Another bittersweet update

Howdy all! Today we learned for certain that the family court interviews we conducted back on July 6. This is where a Guatemalan social worker interviews Carmen's mother to discuss the circumstances of her relinquishment. Often times this takes place on the same day as the DNA test, but not always - as was the case here. This is another reminder of how difficult this process is for everyone involved. As I've said before, as wonderful as it is to build a family, a great deal of loss takes place in order for an adoption to happen. If you're the praying type, please pray for Carmen and her birth mother.

Nevertheless, the process continues, and the end result is progress on the case. This means that we are officially in "Family Court" and wait for approval of that body just as we wait for the US Embassy to issue their pre-approval. Alas, we have a visit trip to plan and our social worker and lawyer continue to do a great job on our behalf.

Carmen's 3 month birthday was last Friday, and in honor, here's a cute little grin. I know the picture is a bit blurry, but that's OK.

Good Grief - DNA Match!!!

As was the case earlier, not much time or energy to post. It's been a crazy day - but we've got just about the best news possible at this point in the process.

The DNA test was done, and we've already got the results - it's a match! Simply put, this means that the woman who presented Carmen for adoption is, in fact, her mother - as proven by a standard maternity test. This is important because it proves to the powers that be at the US embassy that things so far are on the up and up.

More importantly, it acts as an safety point in the process that allows us to plan a visit trip to meet our daughter in person! As you can see, this is a huge deal!

What's more crazy - we totally did not expect it. Generally, folks in the process get some kind of notice that the test is scheduled or has taken place, then sit around nervously waiting for the result. For us, we just learned that the test was authorized a couple of weeks ago, then whammo - the results show up on our door step - we learned about it before our social worker!

What an amazing day for us, but I must digress a tad and mention that our joy is most certainly not matched by Carmen's birth mother. The paperwork we received today included photos of her holding her daughter close, one with a slight smile, one with a slight frown. These pictures will be very important as we share this entire story with Carmen one day. Both of the people in these photos are experiencing a great deal of loss and we cannot come close to relating. More reflection on this will come out in the future I'm sure.

So, now it's off to start planning our visit trip, and to begin the countdown to pre-approval by the US Embassy (DNA match is the starting point). We haven't even talked it over with our social worker yet, so we'll keep you all posted - by the time we plan it all out, it could still be several weeks. Time to get some sleep!!!!

DNA Authorization!

Just a quick update. We received word that the DNA test has been authorized by the US Embassy in Guatemala. This is step 25 in our time line found on the right hand side of the blog.

This is not a difficult hurdle, but a big one because it means that our lawyer is pushing our case through the different steps. This essentially means that a DNA test will be scheduled soon to ensure that Carmen's Birth Mother really is. This is one of the steps in the process that has helped eliminate corruption. I think it's just a swipe from inside the cheek, which are sent to a lab, no blood work. Also in most cases, the family court interview is conducted on the same day. This will all likely be scheduled, then we'll learn about it after the fact. Depending on where everyone lives and what their work schedules are like, it can be tuff to schedule that appointment.

I can imagine that this will be a difficult and emotional day for Carmen's Birth Mother, so please keep her in your thoughts and prayers.

Once the match takes place, we'll be able to schedule our visit trip! Of course, that match could still be a month or two away, then another month to schedule the trip, so we're talking September as the most realistic time frame for our trip to meet our daughter in person.

I have nothing clever or witty to say - just a big smile today.

Here's to progress!!!

Quick update and another FAQ

Just a quick update, then I want to get to explaining some more details. Our referral acceptance documents are on their way to Guatemala! When they get there, the process will really get rolling!

OK, here are a few more answers to the most common questions we've gotten. It's not that we have new information or anything, but some things are better explained after the initial excitement. Hopefully, this won't be too boring considering I posted a similar list a couple weeks ago! Trust me, I've got more detail in this one. If you've actually asked one of these questions, please don't fell like I'm singling you out. In fact, each of these questions has been asked at least 3-4 times, most of them by more than that.

1) Will she ever open her eyes?
OK actually, that's my question. I stare at her picture quite a bit and wonder if maybe her eyes will open. It never happens. We'll have to wait until the next set - hopefully in the next few weeks.

2) Why does it take so long?
This is actually the #1 question, and would take several pages to fully explain. The short answer I usually give is that we have a legal process to go through - not all that different than a domestic adoption legal process. In reality, it is very different, but the point is that it takes time for the courts and agencies there to approve the case. Here's a basic outline

A) Translation and registry of official documents in Guatemala.
*This process for us will start next week, and could take up to 2 months, putting us into July

B) Pre-approval of case by US Embassy, and Guatemala Family court
*Another 2-3 month process, starting in July - putting us into September-October

C) Guatemala Attorney General (PGN) approval process starts after the pre-approvals
*Yet another 3 months - putting us in the December time frame.

D) Final registry in Guatemala and issuance of birth certificate, passport, and visa.
*The time for this can vary depending on what time of year, but it seems to be taking about 5 weeks right now. Right there, we're into Jan of 2008 under a very good case scenario.

E) Embassy appointment and travel to pick up Carmen! *OK, here's where it should make sense now that we're saying Jan/Feb of 2008.

3) Do you know anything about her family in Guatemala?
We know a little bit and will probably learn more through the family court process. It'll be up to Carmen when she is older whether to discuss this outside the family. We do know the names of her birth mother and grandparents, as well as her home town, and the name of the hospital in which she born. We will probably get a little more family background information and some additional pictures of Carmen's birth mother, and there's also a chance we will be able to meet her while we're in Guatemala.
I feel a little bad continuing to call her "birth mother" because she is a woman with a name, but we're supposed to be discreet about such things for the time being.
Some people shorten it to BM - I find that distasteful.
Another common term is first mother. That's OK, but I think it's awkward.
Some of you will probably hear us use her actual name in conversation if you have not already.

4) Why did her birth mother relinquish her?
We get this question quite a bit, and I believe it's mostly out of concern for Carmen. It is difficult to imagine why someone would relinquish a child, but she must not be judged in any way by us for doing so. Like I've said before, it's critical that Carmen understand that her birth mother loves her and cares very much about her well being. I think I'll get into explaining this a little more later on.

5) What about that name again?
OK, we've gotten a lot of positive comments on the name Carmen. We just love that name, but to be honest, we chose it way before we knew we were adopting from Latin America. The fact that it's a Spanish name is merely a cooikidink. As I've said, Julia is my late mother's name and we feel this is a good way for the entire family to honor her. López provides a connection to Carmen's birth family. But, after learning a little bit more about her birth name, were thinking about using Maribel - the name she received at birth. Just about everyone that has learned this as her birth name has just loved it as much as we do. But the red-head and I were both thinking about it and are seriously considering using it.
Carmen Julia Maribel? This this might be the way to go, but it's not a decision that need to be final until she arrives home though.

6) I have a friend/relative/co-worker who adopted or was adopted.
To be quite frank - this usually leads to a beautiful story of creating a family or a horror story of red tape or worse. Each individual case is unique, but the general process from country to country is also unique. In Guatemala, adoptions are generally a private arrangement, much like here in the US, with certain government over-sight and safeguards and laws aimed at protecting children and families. As much as this is a family building process, it's also a social service and legal process. There are opportunities for corruption, and I'm sure many of you have seen 20/20 type stories exposing all of that. Yes it still happens, but there are thousands of adoptions that are 100% ethical, as will ours be. That doesn't mean we won't run into problems or red tape, but we hope to minimize that.
As for the positive stories, keep them coming. It's a joy to hear about all the different ways people become a family. Learning from the rest of you, only helps us to become stronger.

7) Are you still planning that Guatemala night?
Yes - not sure exactly when it will take place - probably over the summer. Perhaps it will be a good activity during the dog days of Summer (like August) when folks won't mind spending a couple of hours indoors learning about Guatemala, adoption, and sharing in fellowship. We still need more tamale practice. Stay tuned!

That's it for now folks. We're hoping some more pictures and a video arrive soon. Carmen is now 6 weeks old! I can't wait to see how much she's changed!

A little more about Carmen

OK, so - I'm sure you want some more details. The first thing I want to say is that please know that just because I have this blog, do not hesitate to call, email, write or whatever. Yes - my blog is a place to provide updates, but it's also about reflection.

Today, we received more information about the information we already have - so that was kinda neat - if that makes any sense. Mostly it was further explanation about some of the documents, including some translation of the standard medical report used by the Bethany doctor for checkups.

So, I think this update should take the form of an FAQ. I must say, it's taken me till now to get back to thinking analytically in any sense. Even now, I can't go more than 10 min without glancing over at one of the pictures I have either in my cubicle or around the house. Better yet - minimize everything on my laptop and I'll see Carmen's beautiful face on my desktop.
............
OK, I'm back from doing that.

1) Look at all that hair!!
OK, that's more of a statement, but ya - she's got a lot of hair!!!

2) When can you bring her home?
I wish it would be tomorrow, but we have a lengthy process to go through in Guatemala - check the time-line along the right hand side and you'll see what I mean. In a lot of ways, the referral is the beginning of the process!
The time frames typically average 8-9 months. We'd be extremely lucky to have her home by the end of the year which would be about 7 months. More likely, it will be some time around Feb of 2008. This is what we are prepared for, but there are cases that take 12 months or longer if there's paperwork problems.

3) How'd you pick her name?
Carmen is a name that the red-head and I really love. We actually have been talking about using that name for a little girl way before we started the adoption process. Julia is my late Mother's name. López provides a connection to her birth-family.

4) Where is she now?
Right now she lives with a foster family in Guatemala. Much like temporary foster care here in the US, they will work with our agency to make sure Carmen receives all the attention and care she needs and deserves. They have raised four children, and fostered other infants, so they are more than capable.

5) Will you get updates?
Yup. CJ's foster mother will take her to the doctor about once a month for a check-up. She'll also take her into the Bethany office regularly for a progress report and pictures. These will be passed on to us along with her medical reports. The next big thing we're actually waiting on is a video!!! That should come in a month or two.

6) How did she end up being placed for adoption?
We really don't know a lot about that yet. We do have some information about pieces and parts of the circumstances, but that's not the kind of thing I would share on a blog. It's really impossible for us to even imagine what CJ's Birth Mother is going through. As I've said before, she deserves our prayers and respect.

7) Will you get to visit Carmen?
We certainly hope so!!! We have to get through a couple of early steps in the process, then we'll be allowed to visit. If we can arrange and afford it, we'll go for a visit some time in early fall.

8) What will you do with yourselves in the mean time?
Oh, we'll keep busy. I believe it will help that most of the wait will be through Summer, where we can get out and be active more easily. There's still quite a bit to do here at home to prepare for Carmen's arrival. We have her room to paint and arrange - that alone will take some work. We've got a list of chores around the house that will occupy plenty of time over the coming months.

Thank you all for your continued prayers and support!!! Not a lot of variety in the photos, she was pretty zonked out during her visit to the office.

Dear Carmen,

You were born in a small rural village in Guatemala on April 20, 2007. You weighed 8 lbs 4 oz, and were almost 21 inches. You were born healthy, beautiful, and vibrant - well cared for by a loving mother who carried you in her womb.

You are beautiful, sweet, amazing. You are loved by many in your homeland and here in your future home. You will be loved and cherished by your foster family, while your forever family anxiously awaits your arrival in America.
Carmen Julia López - you have arrived in our hearts forever on May 14, 2007.




That's right, we received our referral today (Monday). We signed a bunch of paperwork, made a bunch of phone calls, rode around 2 counties visiting family, and e-mailing like crazy. Now the blogosphere knows about this amazing little baby that just entered our lives. More info and reflection later - it's late - time for bed (like I'll really sleep tonight).

Reflection on birth parents

It’s been a while since we’ve had any real news to report. So, I guess we really are totally in the waiting mode now.

That means it’s time to share some more thoughts on the process as promised.

So much of the focus here has been what WE have been going though – preparing the house, interviews, and the mountains of paperwork. I’ve also talked a lot on this blog about Carmen herself, and obviously, we talk about bringing her into our family a lot. There’s a lot of talk about becoming parents.

As we get closer to a referral (which could come in the next couple of months) I think it’s important to consider the other people involved in the process. In adoption lingo, the term “adoption triad” is used extensively. The sides of the triad consist of birth parents, the child, and the adoptive parents. The most over-looked in any discussion of adoption are the birth parents.

Perhaps after referral, I’ll talk with some detail about legal process a birth mother must go through. In short, she must be interviewed 4 separate times, including one where she also provides a DNA blood test along with the baby. In most adoption cases (particularly the ethical ones like our agency conducts), she will receive no compensation at all, save for bus fair and maybe lunch during her counseling session.

So, let’s back up a little bit – and think about how a woman might end up facing such a decision. Why haven’t I mentioned the birth father? Generally, he’s not in the picture by the time the birth mother must make her decision. What about social services? Guatemala has no such agency to assist her. Why can’t she make a go of it as a single mother like many women in the US? In Guatemala, single mother-hood is not widely accepted, and very difficult, especially without a husband to support her. Abortion? Unlike here in the US, abortion simply isn’t a readily available option.

In Guatemala, pregnant women are often caught in between the stigma of single motherhood and the stigma of “giving away” her child. It might seem like she’s seeking the easy way out, but there’s nothing easy about making an adoption plan. It’s clear to me that by doing so, she is doing what she believes is best for her child, but the pain and loss a birth mother experiences must be incredible. In reality, it’s a brave decision, one that we as adoptive parents should not over-look, but can never understand fully.

But in the end, this whole process still revolves around the child. When Carmen comes home, it will be important for her to know that her birth mother loves her very much. This is true in any adoption case, domestic or international, open or closed. Just poke around the web or do some research at the library and you will find stories of women who have chosen adoption for their child. They all express love and concern for the well being of those children, and often some sense of guilt and uncertainty. These are not at all bad or irresponsible people, in fact, quite the opposite. Birth parents certainly don’t deserve any of the stigma that comes with their decision. Anyone involved in an adoption will at one time or another hear the words – “why would a woman just give her child up like that – doesn’t she care?” Adopted kids should also not be forced to think of their parents in such a negative (and incorrect) light. They should know that it actually IS about caring.

It’s my view (and this is a newly developed opinion) that most of the time, the best-case scenario for any child is to stay with her birth family. Children should only be placed for adoption when it just isn’t possible for her parents to raise her. How can staying at home possibly be best in a place like Guatemala with such extreme poverty?

Let me tell you, my dear sister sponsored a child in Guatemala for several years, and when she learned about our adoption plans, she lent us many of his letters and information. Jose lived with his family in what amounted to a 1-room house with a dirt floor. His father had to walk for miles every day for work. They lived on about $40 a month. My sister sent $20 for the sponsorship.

If you read his letters without knowing all of that, you’d only know Jose as a bright and happy boy who loves school, church, and more than anything – fishing with his father. He loved his family and they took care of him well. There’s no reason to think that a kid like Jose would be happier to have been adopted by an American family. There’s no reason to think he would choose to leave his family or that they would wish they have placed him for adoption. In the same sense, we cannot view Carmen coming to our family as our saving her from some horrible life. We will never know with certainty all of the circumstances around her birth family.

This is simply the plan God and her birth mother will choose for her, and when the time comes, we will answer the call to be her parents.