Wishful hearing and a variety of ponderances

***EDIT - LINKS FIXED***
ooops, sorry :(

Lately, I've been rather introspective about this adoption and my baby girl. Thinking a lot about what she will really be like. Are the pictures below any indication of her personality? Did she just smile in these pictures, or did she laugh out loud? What does her laugh even sound like? Between meetings and putting out fires (figuratively) - that's really what I've been thinking about all day.

I have the pictures, particularly the latest round totally memorized, but will I even recognize her when I meet her later this month? Will she recognize me when we return for the pick up trip after having spent 4 days with her some months prior?

No updates to provide on the case, but the countdown to the next step continues. We might not actually have major news until early Sept as that will put us through the normal time frame for this step in the process (waiting for Pre-Approval). Also, a step has been added at the end. The US Embassy now requires a follow-up DNA test to ensure a match to very early in the process. While I don't like the additional cost and extra 1-2 weeks wait at the end, I support this step anyway. It's important that this process be as ethical as possible.

I might be broaching an unwritten blog rule by including 3 subjects in one post, but I've got one more item to note. The blog-roll has grown and I wanted to make a special point to invite you to visit these folks. Some were mentioned in my tag post, but now they are officially linked in! Each and every one of these bloggers has something worthwhile to say. As I keep telling ya'll, I don't personally blog about certain topics - at least at this point. But I do think and talk about all kinds of adoption issues, and these folks offer a great deal of insight, to me at least.

The Road to Uzbekistan - some fine folks who hope to bring home their daughter some time soon!

Waiting for Anthony - who just got new pictures of their adorable son, and post some truly inspirational thoughts regularly.

Uzbek Ubet - might be the funniest mom around these days. Trust me, you have to check that blog out.

Keeping On - who's girls really are gorgeous. A multi-racial family from whom we can learn a lot.

From the Mind of a Bmom - mom to Cory who really has a great outlook on life with her experiences in an open adoption.

Stupid stuff I think- oh yes, I've got the guts to link in Petunia - somewhat outspoken, never dull, and almost always right - almost.

My Best Laid Plans - great title - a blog I just recently found, which seems to spark a lot of deep thoughts for me.

Our Guatemalan Adoption - not the most original title, but a new family family just about to bring home their son. For some reason, I sense we have somethings in common with these folks.

Last but not least - our "neighbors" and new friends chronicle their Wild Ride to bringing home Toby.

That's it for now. Enjoy the required reading!

What's going on!!!!

EDIT - this post delayed by a day due to technical difficulties (UGH don't ask!!!).

Happy birthday to Carmen - who is 2 months old today (Ok, yesterday)!!! Still no more pictures or video - those both could arrive any day. So much of this process is variable, it all depends on when her foster mom takes her into the office and who's around when she does. As for actual case updates, those come and go as well. All of this takes time, and much of it is in the hands of govt agencies over which we have no control. The process sure has its ups and downs. Seems like we've been in quiet mode for a couple of weeks now, but not really down. But in light of it being little Carmen's B-day, I'm keeping it fun today.

Being an expectant parent "dates" you in strange way, I feel like I have a new vibe about me lately. Can anyone out there confirm that? I will remember everything and nothing that happens this year because it is the year of my daughter's birth. Don't think I'm suddenly going to mature (is that even possible?), but any discussion of the way things used to be has really become very intense for me. We've been getting our pictures printed at Walmart lately. I didn't set foot inside a Walmart until they built one 15 miles from me when I was a teenager. Now there's one a mile from where I grew up and the first one I mentioned is actually being prepped for major renovations. Something build when I was a teenager is old and ugly and requires renovation. What the?

On the way home from work yesterday, a DJ went into the commercial break previewing his upcoming set. Included would be 3 Doors Down, Cheryl Crow, and some "Classic U2". Yeh, he said CLASSIC U2. Upon return from commercial, he played "Where the Streets have no Name." Are you kidding me? I love that song - who doesn't, but is it really a classic? Can any song that I remember it first being aired on MTV be considered a classic? What's going on?

OK one more fun rant. The RH and I went into Baby's R Us on Monday and investigated some car seats. The truth is, we have now registered there and subsequently discovered (reading online reviews) that the car seat we wanted might not work well with her vehicle. So, a few people suggested we just ask them if we can try it out. Unfortunately, we couldn't find a baby to bring with us, nor could we find someone willing to rear end us at 30 MPH with said baby - so just fitting the seat into the back seat would have to do.

It's a good thing we did that because it wasn't even close. We are trying to be as frugal as possible about this considering all the other expenses involved. So we picked out a seat that converts from rear facing, to forward, then into a booster - all the way up to 100 lbs. All in all, it wasn't a bad price for all that. I was also kinda hoping it was really a Transformer as well, so it would convert into a robot and help Carmen in and out of the car.

It was not to be. All of that functionality requires a huge base that when in the rear facing position the bottom of the apparatus ended up sortof in the middle of the actual vehicle seat with a big gap that would need to be filled with foam. Probably too big to be safe. That meant that the top of the carseat was right up against the front bucket seats, also not a good thing. At this point, I have to mention how helpful the sales lady was. She wasn't the least bit pushy, but she could see the wheels turning inside our head and offered some basic suggestions. She also asked a few questions about our situation (do you have other kids, other vehicles, etc) to get a feel for what our needs would be. OK, so far not a rant, but wait for it...

She proceeded to explain that there have been some new safety features added to car seats just in the past few months. Here's the one that caught my attention: Car seats now have an expiration date.

Yes - they expire. In fact, most of them have the date stamped right on them, usually 4-6 years from them they were made. Car seats expire. Huh? Supposedly, the reason behind this is that the plastic starts to deteriorate over time, and weakens enough that the seat is no longer safe after a certain period of time. Car seats expire. I suppose that kinda makes a little tiny bit of sense. Car seats expire. But come on! Car seats expire. Am I supposed to believe that since plastic was invented decades ago, we've actually gotten worse at making it? Car seats expire. I mean, I have plastic toys that are older than me. Car seats expire. The chair I'm sitting in, although not the most comfy, is mostly plastic and dates back to 1993.

Car seats expire. I just don't get it.

But, as an expecting father, I'm just learning to accept it. Oh well. Car seats expire.

Still holding firm

Just a quick post to let you all know how grateful we are for your love, prayers, and words of wisdom. Our dear Carmen will be home before we know it, and your support really does form the foundation that allow us to get through this stressful process.

One of the most commented on posts from when I first got started was the Rod Chair analogy.

Well, it's almost 8 months later (can you believe that), and the walkway is holding firm. I've had a number of people ask me if it's cracked yet. Apparently, it's just a matter of time before it happens, and a lot of folks are surprised that it hasn't cracked yet.

Well, neither has all the support we've gotten from everyone around us. In fact, in recent months we've gotten to know a lot of new people as well, further strengthening our foundation.
I know this is all sappy, but I just had to take a picture now that the grass is starting to fill in around the new walk.

Reflection on birth parents

It’s been a while since we’ve had any real news to report. So, I guess we really are totally in the waiting mode now.

That means it’s time to share some more thoughts on the process as promised.

So much of the focus here has been what WE have been going though – preparing the house, interviews, and the mountains of paperwork. I’ve also talked a lot on this blog about Carmen herself, and obviously, we talk about bringing her into our family a lot. There’s a lot of talk about becoming parents.

As we get closer to a referral (which could come in the next couple of months) I think it’s important to consider the other people involved in the process. In adoption lingo, the term “adoption triad” is used extensively. The sides of the triad consist of birth parents, the child, and the adoptive parents. The most over-looked in any discussion of adoption are the birth parents.

Perhaps after referral, I’ll talk with some detail about legal process a birth mother must go through. In short, she must be interviewed 4 separate times, including one where she also provides a DNA blood test along with the baby. In most adoption cases (particularly the ethical ones like our agency conducts), she will receive no compensation at all, save for bus fair and maybe lunch during her counseling session.

So, let’s back up a little bit – and think about how a woman might end up facing such a decision. Why haven’t I mentioned the birth father? Generally, he’s not in the picture by the time the birth mother must make her decision. What about social services? Guatemala has no such agency to assist her. Why can’t she make a go of it as a single mother like many women in the US? In Guatemala, single mother-hood is not widely accepted, and very difficult, especially without a husband to support her. Abortion? Unlike here in the US, abortion simply isn’t a readily available option.

In Guatemala, pregnant women are often caught in between the stigma of single motherhood and the stigma of “giving away” her child. It might seem like she’s seeking the easy way out, but there’s nothing easy about making an adoption plan. It’s clear to me that by doing so, she is doing what she believes is best for her child, but the pain and loss a birth mother experiences must be incredible. In reality, it’s a brave decision, one that we as adoptive parents should not over-look, but can never understand fully.

But in the end, this whole process still revolves around the child. When Carmen comes home, it will be important for her to know that her birth mother loves her very much. This is true in any adoption case, domestic or international, open or closed. Just poke around the web or do some research at the library and you will find stories of women who have chosen adoption for their child. They all express love and concern for the well being of those children, and often some sense of guilt and uncertainty. These are not at all bad or irresponsible people, in fact, quite the opposite. Birth parents certainly don’t deserve any of the stigma that comes with their decision. Anyone involved in an adoption will at one time or another hear the words – “why would a woman just give her child up like that – doesn’t she care?” Adopted kids should also not be forced to think of their parents in such a negative (and incorrect) light. They should know that it actually IS about caring.

It’s my view (and this is a newly developed opinion) that most of the time, the best-case scenario for any child is to stay with her birth family. Children should only be placed for adoption when it just isn’t possible for her parents to raise her. How can staying at home possibly be best in a place like Guatemala with such extreme poverty?

Let me tell you, my dear sister sponsored a child in Guatemala for several years, and when she learned about our adoption plans, she lent us many of his letters and information. Jose lived with his family in what amounted to a 1-room house with a dirt floor. His father had to walk for miles every day for work. They lived on about $40 a month. My sister sent $20 for the sponsorship.

If you read his letters without knowing all of that, you’d only know Jose as a bright and happy boy who loves school, church, and more than anything – fishing with his father. He loved his family and they took care of him well. There’s no reason to think that a kid like Jose would be happier to have been adopted by an American family. There’s no reason to think he would choose to leave his family or that they would wish they have placed him for adoption. In the same sense, we cannot view Carmen coming to our family as our saving her from some horrible life. We will never know with certainty all of the circumstances around her birth family.

This is simply the plan God and her birth mother will choose for her, and when the time comes, we will answer the call to be her parents.

About Guatemalan adoptions

OK, this is going to sound a bit like another commentary and I kinda promised myself, and perhaps any readers of this blog, that I would not get controversial. This is about the struggle and joy of bringing home our baby girl. Being able to keep you all updated with this technology has been a blessing - I've had several people approach me and say - congratulations on getting on the waiting list after having seen it on the blog! Your thoughts and prayers mean more than I can ever express.

So, I want to address some of the difficulties and concerns about foreign adoptions in general and Guatemalan adoption specifically. There are all kinds of issues surrounding domestic adoption as well, an addition so specific worries for each of the countries that allow Americans to adopt. I'm sure most of you don't pay as much attention to these things as I do, but Guatemalan adoptions have shown up in the news lately, and not totally in a positive light.

The Problems:
If you really want to know the specifics, start googling, but I can tell you I've read just about all of it and it does NOT in any way apply to the process we are going through. The various proposals and controversies MAY, however, impact our process at some point as they lead to closer scrutiny of international adoption cases. We, and our agency welcome the scrutiny because we KNOW we are doing everything legally and ethically. This is not always the case, and sadly, it's these cases that make the news and lead to political blather and even harsh legislation. Never will you see the headlines, "Happy family brought together from thousands of miles apart!" or "Well respected agency assists family and child to unite!"

I really want to stay positive, but think along with me about it as I describe the safeguards in place for our own process.

What are we paying for exactly?
Our agency provides a legal disclosure of their fees up front, and opens their books to us so we can see specifically the destination of those fees. They do not pay off birth mothers to "give up" their child. In fact, the birth mother is counseled extensively to ensure she understands and truly desires to make an adoption plan for her child. Some of the fees we pay will be used by Bethany for the care of Carmen (formula, medical care, diapers!) while she is with her foster family - similar to the stipend that the government provides for foster parents here in the States. Some of the fees are used for the processing of paperwork in both the US and Guatemala and for the services provided by the Bethany social workers in both countries as well. Just like any legal process, there are fees involved. Just like caring for any infant, there are quite a few expenses.

How does the agency know the child is really an orphan?
As you have read in much detail, the red head and I have already gone through quite a bit of screening to ensure that we are fit to be be parents and to bring a child into our home from another country. Similarly, the birth mother will end up signing off 3 separate times and submitting to a DNA test to match the baby before things can be finalized in Guatemala. Every time I think about that, I wonder how hard it must be for her. First to come to the realization that adoption might be the best thing, then to not legally be allowed to just get it over with in one shot. Let me tell you, birth mothers in this process are not abandoning their children, they truly are making plans for them to be raised by someone else.

What happens to CJ between referral and coming home?
Similarly, foster parents go through extensive screening and training by Bethany staff, ensuring that they understand their role and provide a safe and loving atmosphere while the legal process continues. It truly takes a dedicated and strong family to foster under any circumstances. They are responsible for so much, and I read over and over how emotional the "hand over" day can be for them. Many of the foster parents are empty nesters, or have teenage children still at home, so they are able to provide good temporary homes, but may not be able to adopt. The foster parent's role is to be honored and valued as well.

Why does it take so long?
Actually, I'm pretty sure the discussion above answers that question. CJ cannot simply be whisked away as soon as her birth mother initiates the adoption plan. 3 main things must happen that each take 1-3 months. 1) DNA test ensuring a match. 2) The Guatemalan government must review the case, interview the birth mother and sign off. 3) The US government reviews the case, provides a medical screening of Carmen, and signs off for the immigration. These are all legitimate and necessary safeguards that are necessary to protect the rights of all parties involved.

Alrighty then. I hope that wasn't too heavy, and I'm sorry if that seems to have come out of left field. There really has been some news and commentary lately, so it's been on my heart to share that with the blogosphere. Because I already feel a sort of connection with Guatemala and Central America, I actually have a lot more commentary in my head in relation to adoption legislation, US-Guatemalan relations(both current and historic), and government and private aid. E-mail me or ask me in person if really want t know - I'm leaving it out of the blog.

The language of adoption

Finally a post for the wait - catching up on what I promised. I have no idea if anyone out there cares much for my commentary, but I'll give it a go. This particular topic could really take many posts and it just might turn out that way.

First, let me say that I had no concept about adoption language before getting involved in this. I have, however, always regarded adoption in a positive and normal way. Adoption is a very special means to grow a family, just like pregnancy is a very special means to grow a family. Most kids are born into a family, some are adopted. Both equally valid, challenging, and rewarding. The idea is that adopted kids should not be viewed differently, treated differently, or addressed differently. Kids should, however, know that they were adopted.

As for the "language of adoption" - this is something that many articles and book chapters address, and was covered in some detail during our class back in December. As I've said before, I'm probably the least politically correct person in the world, so trust me - this isn't about political correctness. It's about what you say to whom and in front of whom. And it's about how and what you talk about that may or may not reveal how you feel about some aspect of adoption, or inter-cultural adoption (I’ll save that for another post)

We end up sharing our adoption plans with all kinds of people just because it comes up in conversation. You know, all parents talk about their kids and most of them ask people our age if we have any yet. Our answer is as you might expect – “no, but we're in the process of adopting” - which leads to a wide range of reactions. Most people are immediately supportive. Some don’t even blink or even mention adoption again –welcoming us to the parents club and discussing those challenges. Others are really curious about how adoption works and ask a lot of questions. Those are by far the most common categories of reactions, both very supportive and appropriate.
Let me give you a couple of examples of the less appropriate comments...

1) In one such case (with someone I may never see again), the first words in response to sharing our story was "oh so you can't have any of your own." He stated it as if it were a factual observation of our situation. There's so much wrong with that statement that it's hard to imagine where to begin. Why would anyone assume adoptive parents cannot have conceive? And if that were true – it’s totally inappropriate to remind them of that fact while they are sharing their joy with you. Perhaps more importantly for us, our daughter WILL be our own - the same as a biological child would be your own child. This notion actually comes up a lot, and there are even ruder ways of saying it.

Do I think this person meant anything the least bit malicious? Of course not. Chances are he simply associates adoption with infertility. Actually, he had to have assumed we were unable to conceive, or he wouldn't have brought it up. Perhaps it's a foreign concept to him that adoption might be a first or equal option. How many of us ever even thought about it before? Please know that I really am not offended by these comments, but they did open my eyes. Suppose Carmen had been with me and someone said something like this? “You’re second best because Mommy and Daddy only adopted you because they couldn’t make a baby the normal way.” For a child, that thought process is not that big of a stretch. Talk about inferiority complex!

2) "You're such good people to be doing what you're doing. You're girl will be lucky to have you."
OK, now this is a tuff one because I'm betting a lot of people are thinking - hey, what's wrong with that? The problems with this statement are more related to the reasons most people adopt, and the stigma placed on adopted kids by our society. Again, another one of those concepts I never thought about until I started this process, and I even commented on it, way back near the beginning of this blog.
Let me put it as simply as I can, we are not adopting because we are good people. We are not adopting because we are humanitarians of some sort, trying to solve the socio-economic problems in Central America. If that were our goal, our money would actually be better spent in other ways. You’ve read it here dozens of times – we’re adopting because we have so much love to share, and wish to grow our family. One way to do that is to provide a home for a little girl that would not otherwise have one. This is actually quite different than saving a child from poverty. That’s why they call it a match made in heaven!
As far as the actual words, they really are generally harmless to me, but, we do have to be careful later. There’s no way CJ should be expected to be grateful for our having adopted her. I’m sure we are all grateful for our families, but we are not “rescuing” or “saving” her (words taken from actual quotes). Adoptive families have shared with us that people have actually approached their child and TOLD them that they are lucky to have been adopted. Yikes! The reality is - she is in some ways saving us and we are the ones who are blessed.

I actually have much more to share on this subject, some of it much less heavy. Hopefully, I’m making some sense so far – just let me know if what I’m saying isn’t getting through.