The language of adoption

Finally a post for the wait - catching up on what I promised. I have no idea if anyone out there cares much for my commentary, but I'll give it a go. This particular topic could really take many posts and it just might turn out that way.

First, let me say that I had no concept about adoption language before getting involved in this. I have, however, always regarded adoption in a positive and normal way. Adoption is a very special means to grow a family, just like pregnancy is a very special means to grow a family. Most kids are born into a family, some are adopted. Both equally valid, challenging, and rewarding. The idea is that adopted kids should not be viewed differently, treated differently, or addressed differently. Kids should, however, know that they were adopted.

As for the "language of adoption" - this is something that many articles and book chapters address, and was covered in some detail during our class back in December. As I've said before, I'm probably the least politically correct person in the world, so trust me - this isn't about political correctness. It's about what you say to whom and in front of whom. And it's about how and what you talk about that may or may not reveal how you feel about some aspect of adoption, or inter-cultural adoption (I’ll save that for another post)

We end up sharing our adoption plans with all kinds of people just because it comes up in conversation. You know, all parents talk about their kids and most of them ask people our age if we have any yet. Our answer is as you might expect – “no, but we're in the process of adopting” - which leads to a wide range of reactions. Most people are immediately supportive. Some don’t even blink or even mention adoption again –welcoming us to the parents club and discussing those challenges. Others are really curious about how adoption works and ask a lot of questions. Those are by far the most common categories of reactions, both very supportive and appropriate.
Let me give you a couple of examples of the less appropriate comments...

1) In one such case (with someone I may never see again), the first words in response to sharing our story was "oh so you can't have any of your own." He stated it as if it were a factual observation of our situation. There's so much wrong with that statement that it's hard to imagine where to begin. Why would anyone assume adoptive parents cannot have conceive? And if that were true – it’s totally inappropriate to remind them of that fact while they are sharing their joy with you. Perhaps more importantly for us, our daughter WILL be our own - the same as a biological child would be your own child. This notion actually comes up a lot, and there are even ruder ways of saying it.

Do I think this person meant anything the least bit malicious? Of course not. Chances are he simply associates adoption with infertility. Actually, he had to have assumed we were unable to conceive, or he wouldn't have brought it up. Perhaps it's a foreign concept to him that adoption might be a first or equal option. How many of us ever even thought about it before? Please know that I really am not offended by these comments, but they did open my eyes. Suppose Carmen had been with me and someone said something like this? “You’re second best because Mommy and Daddy only adopted you because they couldn’t make a baby the normal way.” For a child, that thought process is not that big of a stretch. Talk about inferiority complex!

2) "You're such good people to be doing what you're doing. You're girl will be lucky to have you."
OK, now this is a tuff one because I'm betting a lot of people are thinking - hey, what's wrong with that? The problems with this statement are more related to the reasons most people adopt, and the stigma placed on adopted kids by our society. Again, another one of those concepts I never thought about until I started this process, and I even commented on it, way back near the beginning of this blog.
Let me put it as simply as I can, we are not adopting because we are good people. We are not adopting because we are humanitarians of some sort, trying to solve the socio-economic problems in Central America. If that were our goal, our money would actually be better spent in other ways. You’ve read it here dozens of times – we’re adopting because we have so much love to share, and wish to grow our family. One way to do that is to provide a home for a little girl that would not otherwise have one. This is actually quite different than saving a child from poverty. That’s why they call it a match made in heaven!
As far as the actual words, they really are generally harmless to me, but, we do have to be careful later. There’s no way CJ should be expected to be grateful for our having adopted her. I’m sure we are all grateful for our families, but we are not “rescuing” or “saving” her (words taken from actual quotes). Adoptive families have shared with us that people have actually approached their child and TOLD them that they are lucky to have been adopted. Yikes! The reality is - she is in some ways saving us and we are the ones who are blessed.

I actually have much more to share on this subject, some of it much less heavy. Hopefully, I’m making some sense so far – just let me know if what I’m saying isn’t getting through.

We're officially WAITING!!!

Just a quick post for the news. We found out today that we are indeed on the waiting list for our little girl!!! As a matter of fact, we've been on the list for about 10-14 days. Our social worker told us that once we submitted our dossier to the home office we would be put on the list. We assumed that meant some time after that, we'd get some kind of notification. Well, as it turns out, the fact is - dossier submission = on the waiting list!!!

So, all this talk in the last couple of posts about waiting to be on the waiting list turns out to be nonsense. We're on the list?

OK, the obvious questions - how much longer?

The official line on waiting time for a girl referal is 2-6 months - lately they have been more in the 2-4 range - so hopefully we won't be waiting too terribly long. Once we get the referal - we're looking at 6-12 months, which I know is a big range, but there are many variables in Guatemala once you've got the referal.

Wooo Hoooo!!!

Comic Relief as we wait for the waiting to begin

We've been talking at work about Jack Handy - you know "Deep Thoughts"?

Here are some of my favs, plus a funny video of how not to qualify for an adoption.
UPDATE - I have a love-hate relationship with Blogger - kinda like Radio Shack. This worked fine last night, but it's not showing up in the blog window today. Here's the link.
SNL at the adoption agency

Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to DisneyLand, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "DisneyLand burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real DisneyLand, but it was getting pretty late.

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.

Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.

Even though I was their captive, the Indians allowed me quite a bit of freedom. I could walk freely, make my own meals, and even hurl large rocks at their heads. It was only later that I discovered that they were not Indians at all but only dirty-clothes hampers.

I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with my name on it.

The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I'll put a very large blob of potatoes on my plate with just a little piece of meat. And if someone asks me why I didn't get more meat, I'll just say, "Oh, you mean this?" and pull out a big piece of meat from inside the blob of potatoes, where I've hidden it. Good magic trick, huh?

I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat". It's a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then, all of a sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man, those ducks really take off! Also, Baby Duck Hat is good for parties.

I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning and nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to the old board of his. Then he'd spin it round and round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where it stopped he'd yell out, "Tadpoles! Tadpoles is a winner!" We all thought he was crazy. But then we had some growing up to do.

Waiting for the Wait can be Grand

Well, no major updates since the last time. The only thing we really learned was that the main Bethany office has indeed received our dossier documents and are reviewing them. At the moment, we are literally waiting to be placed on the waiting list. We're also waiting for our I-171H approval from the immigration service.

Luckily for us, this past week of waiting for waiting has gone by like a breeze. My company sent me to Scottsdale, Arizona for a GIS and BPM software conference. The wife came along on the cheap - only really having to buy a plane ticket. Obviously the room and rental care were already paid, and even most of the food. As I'm sure you can all imagine, it's hard to do anything without thinking about our Carmen, even though we haven't even met yet. On the plane, we talked about what it'll be like to fly with her. In the Marriott Hotel, we talked about what it'll be like to be visiting her, which will take place in a hotel room - a Marriott to be specific.

Among all of that was an opportunity to visit the Grand Canyon. Let me tell you, I don't care what you believe about exactly how the Creation took place. You can't see the Grand Canyon without at least wondering if there is a God! So random, yet so perfect. So deep, yet to tall. So complex, all with a small river still meandering through the bottom. It's way more impressive than even words or pictures can describe. Here's a few samples, but do find a way to visit this amazing place yourself.

From Grand Canyon

From Grand Canyon

From Grand Canyon

I continue to be impressed with our digital camera after a trip like this. It's Canon Powershot A95 - which is now a couple of years old, but it's easy to use always takes great shots, without hogging up batteries. Still, pictures do not do God's work justice here.

****Home Study Completed****

NEWS FLASH - the Adoption home study has been completed. We now have all documents completed that will allow us to get on that elusive waiting list. This by far was our biggest hurdle to date. Let me explain.

The Adoption Home Study is a big report prepared by our social worker - all about us. It's the specific reason why we've been meeting with our social worker regularly over the past 2 months. It's the main reason why we had to read all of those books, submit to interviews, describe our home and marriage in detail. Technically speaking, it's considered the final approval for moving forward with the adoption, meaning, we're eligible to be placed on the waiting list. But hooooold your horses, 2 small, but critical steps before this happens...

The Home Study is a major requirement for our Guatemala Dossier, along with all of those items mentioned in my previous post. Right now we've got a giant pile of documents that will need to receive a state seal (which is essentially a verification of all of those notaries - we'll take care of this in Harrisburg tomorrow) . Then they will be authenticated (which Bethany will take care of next week). Think of this step as a having a certificate of authentication for a valuable autograph or antique.

By this time tomorrow, our documents will be on their way to Bethany's central office for one final check. It could be as little as 2 weeks before we're on the waiting list for Carmen!!!

A quick timeline update from there. There are slew of interim steps involved, which I'll explain later on.

Mid Feb - on the waiting list.
June-Aug - receive referral.
Dec 07-Jan 08 - bring home CJ.

Thanks again for all your prayers and support. It's a huge relief to get to this stage. The paperchase is complete!