Quick update and another FAQ

Just a quick update, then I want to get to explaining some more details. Our referral acceptance documents are on their way to Guatemala! When they get there, the process will really get rolling!

OK, here are a few more answers to the most common questions we've gotten. It's not that we have new information or anything, but some things are better explained after the initial excitement. Hopefully, this won't be too boring considering I posted a similar list a couple weeks ago! Trust me, I've got more detail in this one. If you've actually asked one of these questions, please don't fell like I'm singling you out. In fact, each of these questions has been asked at least 3-4 times, most of them by more than that.

1) Will she ever open her eyes?
OK actually, that's my question. I stare at her picture quite a bit and wonder if maybe her eyes will open. It never happens. We'll have to wait until the next set - hopefully in the next few weeks.

2) Why does it take so long?
This is actually the #1 question, and would take several pages to fully explain. The short answer I usually give is that we have a legal process to go through - not all that different than a domestic adoption legal process. In reality, it is very different, but the point is that it takes time for the courts and agencies there to approve the case. Here's a basic outline

A) Translation and registry of official documents in Guatemala.
*This process for us will start next week, and could take up to 2 months, putting us into July

B) Pre-approval of case by US Embassy, and Guatemala Family court
*Another 2-3 month process, starting in July - putting us into September-October

C) Guatemala Attorney General (PGN) approval process starts after the pre-approvals
*Yet another 3 months - putting us in the December time frame.

D) Final registry in Guatemala and issuance of birth certificate, passport, and visa.
*The time for this can vary depending on what time of year, but it seems to be taking about 5 weeks right now. Right there, we're into Jan of 2008 under a very good case scenario.

E) Embassy appointment and travel to pick up Carmen! *OK, here's where it should make sense now that we're saying Jan/Feb of 2008.

3) Do you know anything about her family in Guatemala?
We know a little bit and will probably learn more through the family court process. It'll be up to Carmen when she is older whether to discuss this outside the family. We do know the names of her birth mother and grandparents, as well as her home town, and the name of the hospital in which she born. We will probably get a little more family background information and some additional pictures of Carmen's birth mother, and there's also a chance we will be able to meet her while we're in Guatemala.
I feel a little bad continuing to call her "birth mother" because she is a woman with a name, but we're supposed to be discreet about such things for the time being.
Some people shorten it to BM - I find that distasteful.
Another common term is first mother. That's OK, but I think it's awkward.
Some of you will probably hear us use her actual name in conversation if you have not already.

4) Why did her birth mother relinquish her?
We get this question quite a bit, and I believe it's mostly out of concern for Carmen. It is difficult to imagine why someone would relinquish a child, but she must not be judged in any way by us for doing so. Like I've said before, it's critical that Carmen understand that her birth mother loves her and cares very much about her well being. I think I'll get into explaining this a little more later on.

5) What about that name again?
OK, we've gotten a lot of positive comments on the name Carmen. We just love that name, but to be honest, we chose it way before we knew we were adopting from Latin America. The fact that it's a Spanish name is merely a cooikidink. As I've said, Julia is my late mother's name and we feel this is a good way for the entire family to honor her. López provides a connection to Carmen's birth family. But, after learning a little bit more about her birth name, were thinking about using Maribel - the name she received at birth. Just about everyone that has learned this as her birth name has just loved it as much as we do. But the red-head and I were both thinking about it and are seriously considering using it.
Carmen Julia Maribel? This this might be the way to go, but it's not a decision that need to be final until she arrives home though.

6) I have a friend/relative/co-worker who adopted or was adopted.
To be quite frank - this usually leads to a beautiful story of creating a family or a horror story of red tape or worse. Each individual case is unique, but the general process from country to country is also unique. In Guatemala, adoptions are generally a private arrangement, much like here in the US, with certain government over-sight and safeguards and laws aimed at protecting children and families. As much as this is a family building process, it's also a social service and legal process. There are opportunities for corruption, and I'm sure many of you have seen 20/20 type stories exposing all of that. Yes it still happens, but there are thousands of adoptions that are 100% ethical, as will ours be. That doesn't mean we won't run into problems or red tape, but we hope to minimize that.
As for the positive stories, keep them coming. It's a joy to hear about all the different ways people become a family. Learning from the rest of you, only helps us to become stronger.

7) Are you still planning that Guatemala night?
Yes - not sure exactly when it will take place - probably over the summer. Perhaps it will be a good activity during the dog days of Summer (like August) when folks won't mind spending a couple of hours indoors learning about Guatemala, adoption, and sharing in fellowship. We still need more tamale practice. Stay tuned!

That's it for now folks. We're hoping some more pictures and a video arrive soon. Carmen is now 6 weeks old! I can't wait to see how much she's changed!

Reflection on birth parents

It’s been a while since we’ve had any real news to report. So, I guess we really are totally in the waiting mode now.

That means it’s time to share some more thoughts on the process as promised.

So much of the focus here has been what WE have been going though – preparing the house, interviews, and the mountains of paperwork. I’ve also talked a lot on this blog about Carmen herself, and obviously, we talk about bringing her into our family a lot. There’s a lot of talk about becoming parents.

As we get closer to a referral (which could come in the next couple of months) I think it’s important to consider the other people involved in the process. In adoption lingo, the term “adoption triad” is used extensively. The sides of the triad consist of birth parents, the child, and the adoptive parents. The most over-looked in any discussion of adoption are the birth parents.

Perhaps after referral, I’ll talk with some detail about legal process a birth mother must go through. In short, she must be interviewed 4 separate times, including one where she also provides a DNA blood test along with the baby. In most adoption cases (particularly the ethical ones like our agency conducts), she will receive no compensation at all, save for bus fair and maybe lunch during her counseling session.

So, let’s back up a little bit – and think about how a woman might end up facing such a decision. Why haven’t I mentioned the birth father? Generally, he’s not in the picture by the time the birth mother must make her decision. What about social services? Guatemala has no such agency to assist her. Why can’t she make a go of it as a single mother like many women in the US? In Guatemala, single mother-hood is not widely accepted, and very difficult, especially without a husband to support her. Abortion? Unlike here in the US, abortion simply isn’t a readily available option.

In Guatemala, pregnant women are often caught in between the stigma of single motherhood and the stigma of “giving away” her child. It might seem like she’s seeking the easy way out, but there’s nothing easy about making an adoption plan. It’s clear to me that by doing so, she is doing what she believes is best for her child, but the pain and loss a birth mother experiences must be incredible. In reality, it’s a brave decision, one that we as adoptive parents should not over-look, but can never understand fully.

But in the end, this whole process still revolves around the child. When Carmen comes home, it will be important for her to know that her birth mother loves her very much. This is true in any adoption case, domestic or international, open or closed. Just poke around the web or do some research at the library and you will find stories of women who have chosen adoption for their child. They all express love and concern for the well being of those children, and often some sense of guilt and uncertainty. These are not at all bad or irresponsible people, in fact, quite the opposite. Birth parents certainly don’t deserve any of the stigma that comes with their decision. Anyone involved in an adoption will at one time or another hear the words – “why would a woman just give her child up like that – doesn’t she care?” Adopted kids should also not be forced to think of their parents in such a negative (and incorrect) light. They should know that it actually IS about caring.

It’s my view (and this is a newly developed opinion) that most of the time, the best-case scenario for any child is to stay with her birth family. Children should only be placed for adoption when it just isn’t possible for her parents to raise her. How can staying at home possibly be best in a place like Guatemala with such extreme poverty?

Let me tell you, my dear sister sponsored a child in Guatemala for several years, and when she learned about our adoption plans, she lent us many of his letters and information. Jose lived with his family in what amounted to a 1-room house with a dirt floor. His father had to walk for miles every day for work. They lived on about $40 a month. My sister sent $20 for the sponsorship.

If you read his letters without knowing all of that, you’d only know Jose as a bright and happy boy who loves school, church, and more than anything – fishing with his father. He loved his family and they took care of him well. There’s no reason to think that a kid like Jose would be happier to have been adopted by an American family. There’s no reason to think he would choose to leave his family or that they would wish they have placed him for adoption. In the same sense, we cannot view Carmen coming to our family as our saving her from some horrible life. We will never know with certainty all of the circumstances around her birth family.

This is simply the plan God and her birth mother will choose for her, and when the time comes, we will answer the call to be her parents.

The language of adoption

Finally a post for the wait - catching up on what I promised. I have no idea if anyone out there cares much for my commentary, but I'll give it a go. This particular topic could really take many posts and it just might turn out that way.

First, let me say that I had no concept about adoption language before getting involved in this. I have, however, always regarded adoption in a positive and normal way. Adoption is a very special means to grow a family, just like pregnancy is a very special means to grow a family. Most kids are born into a family, some are adopted. Both equally valid, challenging, and rewarding. The idea is that adopted kids should not be viewed differently, treated differently, or addressed differently. Kids should, however, know that they were adopted.

As for the "language of adoption" - this is something that many articles and book chapters address, and was covered in some detail during our class back in December. As I've said before, I'm probably the least politically correct person in the world, so trust me - this isn't about political correctness. It's about what you say to whom and in front of whom. And it's about how and what you talk about that may or may not reveal how you feel about some aspect of adoption, or inter-cultural adoption (I’ll save that for another post)

We end up sharing our adoption plans with all kinds of people just because it comes up in conversation. You know, all parents talk about their kids and most of them ask people our age if we have any yet. Our answer is as you might expect – “no, but we're in the process of adopting” - which leads to a wide range of reactions. Most people are immediately supportive. Some don’t even blink or even mention adoption again –welcoming us to the parents club and discussing those challenges. Others are really curious about how adoption works and ask a lot of questions. Those are by far the most common categories of reactions, both very supportive and appropriate.
Let me give you a couple of examples of the less appropriate comments...

1) In one such case (with someone I may never see again), the first words in response to sharing our story was "oh so you can't have any of your own." He stated it as if it were a factual observation of our situation. There's so much wrong with that statement that it's hard to imagine where to begin. Why would anyone assume adoptive parents cannot have conceive? And if that were true – it’s totally inappropriate to remind them of that fact while they are sharing their joy with you. Perhaps more importantly for us, our daughter WILL be our own - the same as a biological child would be your own child. This notion actually comes up a lot, and there are even ruder ways of saying it.

Do I think this person meant anything the least bit malicious? Of course not. Chances are he simply associates adoption with infertility. Actually, he had to have assumed we were unable to conceive, or he wouldn't have brought it up. Perhaps it's a foreign concept to him that adoption might be a first or equal option. How many of us ever even thought about it before? Please know that I really am not offended by these comments, but they did open my eyes. Suppose Carmen had been with me and someone said something like this? “You’re second best because Mommy and Daddy only adopted you because they couldn’t make a baby the normal way.” For a child, that thought process is not that big of a stretch. Talk about inferiority complex!

2) "You're such good people to be doing what you're doing. You're girl will be lucky to have you."
OK, now this is a tuff one because I'm betting a lot of people are thinking - hey, what's wrong with that? The problems with this statement are more related to the reasons most people adopt, and the stigma placed on adopted kids by our society. Again, another one of those concepts I never thought about until I started this process, and I even commented on it, way back near the beginning of this blog.
Let me put it as simply as I can, we are not adopting because we are good people. We are not adopting because we are humanitarians of some sort, trying to solve the socio-economic problems in Central America. If that were our goal, our money would actually be better spent in other ways. You’ve read it here dozens of times – we’re adopting because we have so much love to share, and wish to grow our family. One way to do that is to provide a home for a little girl that would not otherwise have one. This is actually quite different than saving a child from poverty. That’s why they call it a match made in heaven!
As far as the actual words, they really are generally harmless to me, but, we do have to be careful later. There’s no way CJ should be expected to be grateful for our having adopted her. I’m sure we are all grateful for our families, but we are not “rescuing” or “saving” her (words taken from actual quotes). Adoptive families have shared with us that people have actually approached their child and TOLD them that they are lucky to have been adopted. Yikes! The reality is - she is in some ways saving us and we are the ones who are blessed.

I actually have much more to share on this subject, some of it much less heavy. Hopefully, I’m making some sense so far – just let me know if what I’m saying isn’t getting through.